Genesis 4 — God hates vegetables

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Genesis 4 — God hates vegetables

Well, it’s time for Genesis 4, the chapter where we find out that God the father, just like George Bush the father, doesn’t like broccoli.

God rejects Cain’s offering of "fruit of the ground" (I think we are supposed to assume this means vegetables, fruits, grains, or something of the sort). God likes Cain’s brother’s offering, however: a dead animal. God just loves the smell of dead animals, as we’ll see in later verses.

In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I’m a vegetarian. But it still seems silly to me that God would only accept a meat offering. What exactly is God using these offerings for? If he’s hungry, couldn’t he whip up something for himself? If he didn’t like vegetables/fruits, why did he create them and force many animals to eat them to survive? Humans also cannot be healthy if they eat ONLY meat, so plants are a necessary part of his creation, aren’t they?

We also don’t know why Cain is supposed to give an offering to God (as a thanks to God for condemning humanity to pain, suffering, and hard work for the rest of our days?). And we don’t know if God’s instructions were clear about what Cain was supposed to offer (telling from God’s other instructions in the Bible, my guess is, not so much).

In any case, this rejection really upsets Cain and he murders his brother, presumably out of jealousy. God apparently was apparently playing solitaire and couldn’t be bothered to intervene and prevent the death, or heal Abel before his death. So God punishes Cain by making him an endless wanderer who can no longer grow crops. God does put a mark on him though so no one will kill him (too bad he didn’t do that to Abel!). Who this no one is, we’re not told. We’re also not told what Adam and Eve think of the whole thing, other than the fact that they had another son. Cain finds a wife and has kids, and their kids have kids. No mention as to where all the women in the Bible come from, since Adam and Eve aren’t mentioned as having any daughter. Certainly even back then someone must have thought of the fact that this doesn’t explain how humans were "fruitful and multiplied" without committing incest. God could have magically made women appear, but why not mention this in the Bible, then?

We do find out where some of the professions come from: Jubal is the father of all harp and flute players, it would seem. Verses 18-22 definitely sound more like a children’s story or fairy tale than the true word of God (if it weren’t for the killings before and after it in this chapter). Some people apparently still believe this stuff literally?

Anyway, I think the moral of the Cain and Abel story is, if you don’t offer meat to God, you’ll become a murderer with a black thumb (I think that’s the opposite of a green thumb). In light of this, I’m giving up the whole vegetarian thing— I’m going to go out and get some veal and burn it. I’m sure this will please God, and my brother can sleep a lot easier, too.